


Enough for Us

by zinjadu



Series: Between Eternity and Time [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Between Episodes, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Platonic Relationships, Pre-Relationship, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-10 08:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6975280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinjadu/pseuds/zinjadu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series following the developing friendship between Ahsoka and Rex, which fills in the gaps between episodes where there was downtime, chock full of camaraderie, some burgeoning feelings, and how two people find happiness in the small moments.  Well, until they have to say good-bye.  Goes up through the end of Season 5.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: You, Sir?

Rex sat in one of the messhalls on the ship, sharing a cup of _caf_ with his commander, talking over the upcoming mission. They were on their way to Zygerria, and the Padawan was going to have to play the role of a slave. The frustrated, put upon expression on her face said louder than words how she felt about it.

 

“And have you seen my outfit? It’s got bangles, Rex. Bangles,” she hissed, imbuing the word with as much loathing as she could. He tried to not laugh, and he managed it. That didn’t mean she couldn’t sense his amusement and shoot him a glare anyway.

 

“Oh, sure, its funny when someone else is the slave. Next time, its you,” she said, her blue eyes steely with determination.

 

“Don’t think that’d go over well, sir,” he said, his voice as dry as he could manage it. “I’m not pretty enough for bangles.”

 

She blinked at him, and he could see her picturing it. The corner of her mouth twitched, then she snorted, and humor danced in her eyes. Then she dissolved into a gale of laughter. He allowed himself a small chuckle, but enjoyed watching her let go of her worry for the captured Togrutas for a little while.

 

 _Mission accomplished_ , he thought to himself. His commander didn’t need protecting, she never had. She had needed a bit of advice, some grounding, and some experience, but the last two years had given her that in spades. But that didn’t mean she didn’t need a friend either.  Because somehow, somewhere, along the way, the snippy Padawan from Christophsis had become the finest commander he had served with, and more, his friend. Eventually, her laughter wound down, and wiping the tears away from her eyes, she looked up at him.

 

“Thanks, Rex, I needed that,” she said, and he wasn’t surprised. She was far from stupid, and saw more than the general sometimes, the details, the small things that made the difference. He gave her a crisp nod, but let his care for her show, just a little.

 

“Always happy to provide a little perspective, Commander,” he said, and raised his cup of _caf_  to her and drank the last of it. She smiled, her too-sharp canines showing, which gave even her most joyful expression a fierce edge. Draining the rest of her own cup, she stood up, and placed a small hand on his shoulder.

 

“Well, you’re pretty good at it, always have been, and I don’t know what I’d do without it, Rex,” she said.

 

“All part of the job,” he told her. She shook her head.

 

“No, it’s not, not necessarily. Just take the kriffing compliment, Rex,” she said. He raised his hands in mock surrender.

 

“Fine, fine, I’m appreciated. Now, we should both get some rest,” he said, taking her cup as well and putting both of them in the cleaner. She gave him a mock salute and headed out of the mess.

 

“Good night, then, Rex, and I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, then turned around and gave him a cheeky grin. “Bangles and all.” And she was gone, leaving him to think about the small steps between their first meeting and now that made it damn near impossible for him to picture a galaxy without Ahsoka Tano in it.

 

Rex was not a man given often to reflection. He knew that clone troopers had a tendency to… imprint on their Jedi, and considering he most often served with General Skywalker, Rex was a man of decisive action. But later, lying in his bunk, he did think about those moments, those small moments that had made the commander a part of his life, and had given his life a depth that he had never thought possible when he had been a simple clone captain.

 

The first had been Christophsis, when he had taken her aside, still very much a girl then, and talked some sense into her. He had seen a lot of green junior officers from the Republic who hadn’t taken the same talk nearly as well as she had. Maybe it had been her age, or her Jedi training, but she had listened to him. Honestly listened, like his experience, insight and opinions mattered. He knew they did, but it could get frustrating to deal with greenies who looked down on him just because he was a clone. The commander hadn’t, not even once.

 

Then there had been when she took on General Grevious to protect him and his men. Others, other Jedi even might not have done that. But she did it, and while he had a job to do, the men had pointed it out later. They told him about what she did with a bit of awe in their voices. Their lives mattered to her, enough to risk her own life for theirs. That was the moment the commander became more than the mascot to the 501st, and Torrent Company in particular, but a comrade-in-arms.

 

Then… then there had been that damned virus. He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes. There were too many times to think about. He’d never get any sleep this way. Schooling his thoughts as best as he could, he pulled up the blanket and drifted off.


	2. Chapter 1: When he was by

It was just after the Blue Shadow virus debacle, where the commander had almost died. He remembered the feel of her in his arms as he caught her, so slight, so cold. She had been bolstering morale with her final moments of consciousness, and it wasn’t what a child would have done. She had been doing a commander’s job, the job people twice her age couldn’t manage, and in the face of her own death.

 

He and the other troopers recovered quickly, and thanks to those genetic modifications they cleared the virus in a standard cycle. Ahsoka, however, had to heal the old fashioned way, made longer by the General being rather protective. Upon learning that she was still confined to her recovery room, the troopers started composing get-well messages. When he’d asked them why, they cited several holovids as evidence of this being ‘normal’ for people, and they thought the commander might like it. He didn’t have the heart to argue that point, so it was that he made his way to her sickroom, loaded down with messages from the surviving men. He'd had to strong-arm them to not bear down on her all at once, and since all of them wanted to be the messenger, he decided none of them would get the job.

 

Besides, he had to see for himself that she was on the mend. Captain status did have its privileges here and there.

 

He ran into the general coming out of the commander’s room. “She fit for one more visitor, sir? I’ve got a data packet overloaded with get-well wishes from the men. Think she might like them about now.”

 

Skywalker looked at him and smiled. “Rex, I think nothing would make her happier. At least it would keep her from getting bored.”

 

“Ah, a bored Commander Tano is less than ideal, I assume, sir,” he said.

 

“Correct. Now that she’s on the mend and getting her energy back, she’s restless, but she needs more rest. Keep her occupied for a while, will you, Rex?”

 

So he did just that. First there had been all the get-well messages from the men. She had been delighted. Some might have said it was being the object of so much male attention, but he doubted it. Likely, it was that she felt happy that they saw her as someone worth making an effort for.

 

He got to the last one, and flushed a little. That made her perk up. “What’s it say?” she asked. “If it’s making you look like that, it must be cute!”

 

“Its from Digger,” he said. “He says, um, ‘Glad you’re gonna live, Commander. I might have millions of brothers, but I only have one sister. You come back soon, and I’ll best you at darts yet.’” The commander’s face lit up at that, and her blue eyes became almost luminous with all sorts of emotions he could only understand later.

 

“That’s very sweet,” she said. “Do… do you, all of you troopers, that is, think of me like a sister?” she asked.  He knew a lot of them did, that was for sure. At first she had seemed to fill the role of Bratty Little Sister in most of their minds, but after fighting alongside her, and her putting her life on the line for them, she had lately upgraded to Sister With Terrifying Mind Powers. They admired her and respected her willingness to join the fray and do her duty, like any solider. He tried to gauge her interest in the question to figure out how to phrase his answer, and while her face only had a mildly curious expression, her montrals had just a little flush to them.  The truth, then, but maybe not how they thought of her as a brat at first.

 

“Most of them do, and the shinies, well, they pick it up from the others,” he affirmed. “The generals, well, as much as we like our generals, they’re removed from us, even General Skywalker. You eat with us, talk to us more than any other Jedi, except maybe Master Tii, and the men appreciate it.” As he talked, the more he understood about how the other troopers saw their small Togruta commander. “We don’t have a way to talk about someone who does those things for us, except other brothers. But you can’t be a brother, obviously, so you’re a sister.”

 

Her smile was beatific.

 

“Thank you, Rex,” she said. “It means a lot to know that I’ve got a whole mess of brothers now. “

 

“You do at that, Ahsoka,” he told her. She settled back down into her bed and sighed.

 

“Getting tired, Rex. Stupid virus sapped my energy reserves,” she explained, and he could see how she was struggling to stay awake all of a sudden. Her eyelids drooped heavily, and her breathing began to even out. All that emotion must have tired her out. He patted her hand.

 

“It’s alright. I’ll stay to you fall asleep. Always the worst to be alone in medical,” he said. She gave him a sleepy smile, and he didn’t have to wait long before she was out.  

 

That started something of a tradition for them. When she was hurt, he would gather up all the well-wishes from the men, sometimes it was a small handful of survivors, but they always wrote a little something because her injuries were always in the line of duty. She would always visit him and the other men when they were hurt, though their recovery time was never long. She would chat amiably, play sabacc, or read stories to them when the medics banned holovids.

 

What he didn’t tell her, but what she hoped she knew, was that he didn’t think of her as a sister. She was a fellow commander and a friend, someone he respected and relied on, and one of the few people in the whole army who he could talk to on the same level. He couldn’t unburden himself to his own men, and Cody wasn’t always around, and the General, well, Skywalker needed him to be steady. But Ahsoka didn’t, not really. She understood how you could be steady and thrown at the same time, how you could be grounded in spite of being battered.

 

And sometimes, in those moments where they checked up on each other, he thought she knew even though he’d never said a word.

 

* * *

  

Ahsoka did think, from time to time, on that conversation they’d had, after the Blue Shadow virus. She would recall that he said _most_ of the troopers thought of her as a sister, but not all. Not him.

 

If life were a holovid, he would have been obliquely confessing some kind of forbidden love, but this wasn’t a holovid and that wasn’t what he was saying by not saying anything. What he had skirted around, and what meant more to her than overblown declarations of undying love, was that from that day he had started to see her as someone who could be an equal. Someone whose judgment he trusted, and someone he could talk to, even if for Rex talking mostly consisted of a few sardonic observations. They were words he would never say to the men who served under him.

 

It was strange to think that Rex’s respect and trust had started to mean almost as much as her Master’s. Strange, but not unwelcome, and it made her all the more determined to do right by the men that served under her command, her captain included.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Just posted the prologue and this chapter. Will write more as grad school permits. Oh hey thesis, what up? No, I'm not ignoring you. ... Yes, yes I am.


	3. Chapter 2: And We know not

Ahsoka was glad to see Rex and the other troopers back from Saleucami, but it raised the uncomfortable feeling that she had been dealing with for weeks. It was why she had stayed behind, why she had opted to spend a little time studying and meditating rather than going back out in the field. _And getting her lightsaber back…_

 

Sure, she was still technically on recovery after the whole brain worm debacle, but that wasn’t what kept her at the Temple.

 

She had killed a trooper.   She had killed Trap.

 

Trap’s death had driven her to save everyone else that she could, to save the other men, to save Barriss. She could have killed them, could have killed them all and the brain worms and no one would have reproached her for it. Saving herself, was acceptable.

 

That she had grimly hung on and found a way to avoid more death, well, at least Master Skywalker was proud of her. Master Fisto, too, but she knew that she had become too attached to everyone. To all the troopers, to Barris, to her Master.

 

Somehow, it had been easier to understand Jedi distance when there wasn’t a war. War made her see how easy it was to lose people, and some part of her wanted to hold on to them all the tighter for it. How to love and show unless compassion without being attached, well, good thing she was still a Padawan, because that would take a lot of learning.

 

Sighing, she looked at her comms and saw that Rex and the others had invited her down to the barracks for sabacc and darts. They’d probably all go out for a drink later, without her, but they wanted to catch up with her after their separate adventures. _It was always nice to hear stories that didn’t contain your own near death_ , she thought.

 

She really should go, but the guilt of Trap’s death gnawed at her. Why had he been the one to die but all the others had been saved? It made no sense. Still, she would only make them incessant if she refused. Being the de facto sister to at least twenty or thirty clone troopers was nice, on the whole, but annoying when they thought she was in the need of ‘big-brothering.’

 

At least Rex talked to her like a fellow commander and, more and more, like a friend. Resigned to her fate, she left for the 501’s barracks, and try not to see Trap’s pained surprise as she killed him in the faces there.

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re quiet, Commander,” Rex said as he walked her back to the Temple from the barracks. That was what he did. She knew he half did it to get out of going to the bars that the rest of the 501st frequented. He liked to find a quiet place where he could nurse a drink in peace rather than the raucous dance clubs some of the men liked. _Besides, he had said, they have more fun without their captain there_. The other reason was that way he could at least look Master Skywalker in the eye if she went missing later. A practical man, Rex.

 

She shrugged.

 

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were damn near subdued,” he teased. They did not walk in step. Rex had a steady pace with his hands behind his back, a soldier at ease; she skipped ahead and waited again and again, head sometimes cocked to catch a sound, the restless hunter that she was hardwired to be.

 

They walked in silence for a little longer, and when they were nearly at the Temple, she stopped unable to walk to the gate. He was giving her the chance to talk, to say something, and she had to take it. They were friends, and she shouldn’t throw it away because she was afraid.

 

“I killed Trap,” she said without preamble.

 

“I know,” he replied, voice soft.

 

“Everyone says I had no choice, that I did the right thing, but did I? I killed one of the men I was meant to command. I killed a trooper, and I don’t know how you can stand to look at me,” she admitted. Rex looked thoughtful for a moment, and she resisted the temptation to read him using the Force.

 

“You think I would be angry with you, that any of the men would be angry with you for defending yourself?” he asked, tone a little bit sharp, and she felt a flash of anger, but his words didn’t indicate that he was angry at her. Not exactly.

 

“That I should have found a way to save him like everyone else,” she clarified, and even as she said it, it sounded stupid. She hadn’t even known at that point that cold would incapacitate the worms. Rex sighed, but he put a steadying hand on her shoulder.

 

“I’m not angry at you. Well, I am, for thinking that I would hold Trap’s death against you. Its not on you, its on the Geonosians. All you can do, all anyone can do, sometimes is just stay alive, and help whoever you can. You can’t feel guilty for not saving everyone,” he told her, and she believed it. Skyguy said the same thing, but she knew he didn’t believe it. Master Skywalker _did_ think he could save everyone.

 

But Rex believed that. He lived it, and it made her see how self-indulgent her guilt had been.

 

“I guess it was childish of me, to take all the blame like that,” she admitted. Rex nodded and withdrew slightly at her admission. She did feel slightly better, but she lingered, and Rex did too.

 

“I, um, ran into an interesting fellow on Saleucami, you know, while I was wounded. Farmer, nice guy, good family. He implied that I’d be better off getting out of the war, finding a family of my own,” he said, looking out at the glittering skyline of Coruscant. Ahsoka stayed quiet. Rex was in a rare sharing mood, and she knew if she said something she would never know what he was trying to get at.

 

“It might have been nice, but I’m no farmer, and well, I told him that my family is elsewhere and I knew they needed me,” he went on, and then turned his attention to her. “The point is, we’re all we’ve got out there, in the fight or otherwise, and we all need each other to be there. We can’t lose our heads to doubt. You and me, especially. Commanding officers need to have confidence in their decisions and their actions if they’re to keep their men safe. So, yes, you killed Trap, but that let you bring everyone else home. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

 

His words made her stand a little taller, and she lifted her chin and threw her shoulders back, projecting confidence that hadn’t completely returned yet.

 

“I won’t let you or the men down, Captain,” she said. Rex squared his shoulders and nodded sharply.

 

“I know you won’t, Commander,” he said. “You never have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit more of Ahsoka's perspective this time! She's still learning how to be a good commander and really, really determined to do well, hence some of the themes carrying over from the previous chapter. She starts maturing and settling into herself a bit more next chapter, and hopefully we can have a little light hearted fun before things get real again.


	4. Chapter 3: Preferred by Daintier folk

The _Resolute_ sped back to Coruscant after their marginally successful extraction of, if not the Jedi they came for, the information the Republic needed, from The Citadel. He should be thinking about arranging to contact the friends of the brothers he lost, or preparing his mission report, but all he could think about was how much he wanted punch Tarkin right in the face.

 

Space take the man, but he was a haughty, self-righteous bastard who looked down his nose at everyone who didn’t live up to his pre-conceived picture of the galaxy.

 

Worse, that sorry excuse for a captain had doubted the commander. Just thinking about it made his fists clench.

 

Rex would be the first to admit that sometimes Ahsoka got carried away or distracted, but she never, ever put the mission at risk. It was only thanks to her that they got into the place, and she was the reason Trakin was alive.

 

He was rather proud that when Tarkin made those nasty comments, that he had confined himself to only sticking to defending her verbally instead of taking off his helmet and pummeling the man. But Ahoska woudn’t have thanked him for that, and besides, he knew that her best defense was for her to show herself to be the fine commander, the fierce warrior, and the excellent Jedi he knew her to be.

 

Sometimes he couldn’t help but feel proprietary about her and Skywalker. They were his Jedi, after all, and he could admit, to himself at least, that he and Ahsoka had a unique relationship. More like equals than anyone else. Other Jedi were generals, other troopers were under his command: only Ahsoka had a near equal footing with him, or he had a near equal footing with her.

 

Either way, they were good friends, and he knew friends had each others backs in different ways than other soldiers.

 

“Hey,” he heard at his shoulder, and he saw her standing there, as if thinking about her had summoned her. “Mind some company?”

 

“Not at all, Commander,” he said and made room for her on the bench. She sat, hunched over, her chin in her hands and her elbows on her knees.

 

“You really had my back there, Rex, with Tarkin,” she said. She took a breath, steadying her emotions, he figured. “Thank you. I heard what you said about me to him, and… well, I appreciate it,” she told him. He took off his bucket to look at her properly, and to let her see his face.

 

“Its only the truth, Ahsoka. He made assumptions, just because you’re young, but I know you’ve seen more real action than he has, or ever will. That counts a lot more in my book than anything else,” he said. She gave him a small smile.

 

“Still, thank you,” she said. They sat together companionably on the rest of the way back to the city-planet, playing sabacc to help clear away the bad taste of an extraction gone sideways, and the loss of a fine Jedi Master.

 

* * *

 

A few days later, after Ahsoka had given her information to the Jedi Council and the Supreme Chancellor, the whole 501st was back together again. They were going out on patrol in the Outer Rim, and they had just dropped down for some R&R on Ossus, a world that had long been friendly to the Jedi. Seppies had tried to take over the planet for the Jedi library, but when the 501st came to their defense, well, the men of the Republic’s best battalion had run of the place when they came to visit.

 

They only had one night, but the men were determined to make the most of it. He was getting ready, shrugging into his jacket and trying to feel comfortable in the one set of civvies he had, when he saw the general and the commander walking by.

 

“Ahsoka, no, you can’t go bar-hopping with the men,” Skywalker said. Rather than roll her eyes or have a snippy comeback, she instead held up a hand, indicating that her Master should let her talk. “Fine,” Skywalker allowed, “state your case.”

 

Ahsoka looked around, noting the men getting ready to move out and Have a Good Time, stood her ground. She clearly was not about to let any embarrassment cow her into retreat. Rex couldn’t help but smile and pity his general.   Rex was Ahsoka’s fellow C.O. and friend. Skywalker had to try to be her Jedi teacher and older brother all in one. Not an easy task.

 

“The age of adulthood on this planet is fifteen, which is how old I am now. And I know you’re worried about me drinking alcohol and getting into trouble, but for one, I don’t like alcohol—”

 

“Wait, wait, when did you even have alcohol to know that you don’t like it?” Skywalker asked, interrupting her.

 

“When Senator Amidala and I went to visit her friend, they had me try some, and it was vile,” she said. “They laughed, saying it was impossible to do politics without it. For the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would want to do either, but that’s not the point, Master,” she said evenly. She arched an eyebrow at Skywalker and the man laughed. Rex knew that was when the man had lost. He gave too much ground way too fast.

 

“So, no alcohol for me. And I’ll be with Torrent Company, and you know they’ll look out for me,” she said, and what she wisely didn’t say was that she didn’t need looking after. Skywalker kept his expression neutral, but Rex could see that it wasn’t going well for his general.

 

“Lastly,” Ahsoka stared, and then took a deep breath. Ah, so this was her gambit. It would either work or she would be kept under lock and key. “I know that as Jedi we’re supposed to find comfort and peace in meditation or sabre practice, but I fight and risk my life like any of the men. It seems to me that, every once in a while, I should be able to spend this time with them as well. It isn’t right that we’re so separate from them. They’re my friends, and it feels important to have a good time with them while we all can,” she said.

 

Skywalker grimaced, and Rex knew his general had lost. She had waged her campaign well, his commander. Rex nodded to Fives and Echo, and they knew to go put the word out to the 501st: the commander was going out with them tonight. Both of them smiled like excited boys rather than the seasoned troopers they were. Though, he knew they were mostly simply pleased that their commander was finally able to have R&R like she deserved. He waved them off, and they went off to do their jobs.

 

“Fine, fine, fine,” Skywalker said, holding his hands up in surrender. “You can go, but no drinking, no going off without a trooper, and I expect you to be ready to ship out tomorrow morning.”

 

“Yes, sir!” she said, throwing him a snappy salute and walking over to the cluster of troopers ready to go. “Well boys, looks like you’ve got to put with me for the night.”

 

“Happy to have you, Commander!” Hardcase said, always enthusiastic. “We heard the rules, and we’ll keep you safe.”

 

“This planet is safe, Hardcase, so you all focus on having fun, and don’t worry about me,” she said, looping her arm around Hardcase's. “That’s my order for tonight: have fun! So gentlemen, let’s move out!” she called, and the men gave an excited cheer.

 

Rex couldn’t help but smile. He looked back at Skywalker and gave the man a nod. Skywalker nodded back. Not that Rex had any intention of getting in the way of Ahsoka and her fun, considering all she probably wanted to do was dance and talk with the brothers, but it would put the general’s mind at ease.

 

* * *

 

Rex was starting to reconsider the wisdom of letting Ahsoka have R&R on Ossus. She had been dancing for a while, and he had noticed was getting _looks_ from the local boys. He was, as usual, nursing a beer at the table Torrent Company had staked out, not one for dancing or heavy drinking. He was starting to wonder about her choice of clothing, in particular that little window on her chest. The local boys couldn’t seem to stop looking at it, or her leggings, but to Rex’s mind it seemed more and more like a target shouting _Hey droids, shoot me here for maximum effect!_

 

“Uh, Rex,” Fives said, returning to the table for some more credits. He had his arm around a Twi’lek woman’s waist. “You’re supposed to be having fun, as much as you can have fun.  Not scowling.”

 

Rex schooled his face back into a neutral expression. “Just lost in thought, that’s how I look when I think.”

 

“Sure, yeah, you have fun with that. I’m going to spend some more time with… with… I’m sorry, my dear, what’s your name, that’s terribly rude of me, but we only just met, and I don’t want to move you fast, you understand,” Fives said, flirting outrageously with the woman. To Rex’s surprise, the woman laughed.

 

“Luu,” she said, blushing.

 

“Luu, pretty name for a pretty lady, but I’m sure you hear that all the time. Shall we?” he asked, and led her away. Likely, Fives would have to run for the ship in the morning, and Rex wished him luck with that. As annoying as Fives could be, he was a hell of an ARC-trooper, and his intel saved lives.

 

He returned to watching Ahsoka dance. She was dancing with a few of the troopers, and drawing some jealous looks from some of the women in the bar. And just when the women were about to walk away in disgust, Ahsoka flounced ( _flounced_ , he thought, _she doesn’t do that, unless…_ ) away and sat next to him, giving him a peck on the cheek.  Likely also a part of her little show.

 

“Now we watch the fruits of my labor,” she said smugly.

 

“Let me guess, you were ‘helping’?” he asked, watching the women approach Jesse, Kix, and Echo. They were shy ones, unlike Fives who threw himself out there, or Tup who drew people to him with his quiet confidence, or even Hardcase who seemed to be unable to take rejection personally. The men stammered and blushed, well Echo blushed, the other two looked like they had a handle on the situation once they had been approached.

 

“I do good work, Rex. Besides, what’s the good of having your commander slash sister tag along if she doesn’t help you with the ladies?” she asked, looking far, far too pleased with herself. He shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course she knew about these things, but it still threw him a little bit when any Jedi admitted such knowledge.

 

“Speaking of,” she continued. “Any lady I can help you with?”

 

“I’m alright, Ahsoka,” he said, shaking his head and laughing, “though the offer is appreciated.” Though they were friends, he wasn’t sure he could tell her that the nice, soft women of these worlds weren’t to his tastes. The only women he had been with had been fellow soldiers, women serving in the Republic fleet, though those experiences had been few and far between.

 

“Fair enough,” she said. “Besides, its getting kind of gross out there.” She took a sip from her drink, which he had been watching while she had been dancing. He raised a questioning eyebrow at her. She waved her hand, indicating the dance floor.

 

“I mean, the local men are nice enough, I suppose, but sometimes I can sense their feelings about me. Sometimes its nice, like when one of the troopers has a crush on me—”

 

“Wait, what?” he asked. She gave him a quelling look.

 

“Some of the shinies, they see me, think I’m cute. Probably because they imprinted a bit on Master Tii, and they, well, _like_ me. I take care of it. We have a chat, I explain a few things to them, and then we’re friends. I didn’t tell you, because they want to impress you so much, and I don’t want to ruin their chances with their captain. And Master doesn’t know… well, for obvious reasons. He’s a little _too_ protective sometimes.”

 

“Fine, alright, so you set them straight. Good. But the boys here are different?” he asked. She nodded, looking more disappointed than upset.

 

“Yeah. They… some of them, when they look at me, they don’t look at me with fondness or appreciation even, but like they want to possess me. Like I’m an object, not a person,” she said, and sounded sad. “And it’s just… an unpleasant sensation. So, I think that’s me done dancing for the night.”

 

“Sorry about the sleemos,” he said. She shrugged.

 

“As a Togruta, I don’t get it as bad as Twi’leks at least,” she said, and then gave him a pointed look. “Seriously, what is it with men and Twi’leks? I have noticed Fives totally has a type.”

 

Rex couldn’t help but laugh. “No idea, Ahsoka, never saw the appeal myself.”

 

“I guess I’ll just have to ask Fives in the morning.”

 

“I would pay money to watch you do that,” he said, grinning.  Never mind he didn't really have any money of his own. The sentiment stood.  He could just picture Fives’ discomfort as their honestly curious commander asked him about his preferences. “Still,” he went on. “You had fun, mission accomplished?” he asked.

 

She smiled brightly. “Mission accomplished, Rexter. Did you have fun?”

 

“Yes, I did,” he said, smiling back.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, check it out, the captain and the commander,” Hardcase said, drawing his brother’s attention to the two of them, sitting companionably at the table, each nursing their own drink and talking.

 

Tup narrowed his eyes and considered the scene before him and then shook his head. “Nah, they’re friends, Hardcase, and besides, she could do better.”

 

“That’s true, she could have me!” Hardcase exclaimed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Hardcase. I miss you, you weird spaz.
> 
> For the interested, Ahsoka following through on Rex's statement about messing with Fives: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7032085


	5. Chapter 4: Because He knows it cannot speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains a mild reference to suicide.

Ahsoka read the Umbara report, read the dry description of death and betrayal by Master Krell— _no former Master Krell now—_ and the way he tried to get men killed just because he could. She knew that there was so much more than words could ever express, the hurt, the anguish, and the bone deep horror that the men must have felt. Her heart broke for them, and she wished she had been there. If she had, she could have done something.

 

Maybe. Probably not.

 

She had been at the Temple, learning a few healing techniques from Barriss while catching up with her general studies. Master Skywalker had approved of her choice of independent study: a little Jedi healing on the field might save a few more lives.

 

But so many had been lost on that shadowy planet, lost to madness and rage and a thirst for power over others.

 

They were headed to pick up the 501st now, to take back their men and get them away from that horrible planet and its memories, but she knew the memories would follow them. The bad ones always seemed to. She knew they had nightmares sometimes, and that Kix had started to learn some basic psychology in addition to keeping up his medic training. But this, how could any of them help each other when they were all mired in the same muck?

 

That was when she had an idea. It might not work, and they might not agree, but it was worth a shot. Closing down the report, she stood up and marched out of her room to find her Master. He would need to know what she was attempting, and she wondered if he would approve.

 

* * *

 

“It’s a good idea, Ahsoka,” Anakin said, considering his earnest Padawan. She was so young, though not as young as she had been. Her blue eyes were too full of the kind of knowledge that sent older, stronger people into darkness, but she kept her faith, her optimism in spite of everything. More, she cared, she cared so much sometimes he worried that he wasn’t the best role model for her. He cared too, and it ate at him sometimes. Ahsoka seemed to have a way of caring without feeling torn up about it.

 

He might really have been too old to train as a Jedi, but it was past the point of no return now.

 

“So, you’ll let me try?” she asked. “I know it’s dangerous, and I know its not standard procedure for the healing techniques…”

 

“You can try, Snips,” he said, supporting her. “I’ll talk to the men, quietly, about it, and they’ll come to you if they feel up to it. No big announcements, no formal documents. I’ll set aside a room for you to use. We’ve got a few days before we have to be anywhere, and Admiral Yularen agrees that a little quiet might be best for the men after… everything they’ve been through.”

 

“Thank you, Master!” She bowed, and he could see the gratitude on her face. “I’ll go prepare.” She turned to go and nearly rushed out the door before he spoke again.

 

“Hey, Ahsoka,” he called. “I’m proud of you, for a lot of things, but for this especially. Helping the troopers after Umbara, caring about them like this, well, you’re living up to the compassionate part of the Jedi code.”

 

“Thank you, Master,” she said, voice soft and with a deeper bow this time. Her smile was genuine, happy to be praised, but tinged by the knowledge of what she was about to attempt. It was no easy task, and it might be more harrowing than she bargained for, but he couldn’t be more proud of her in this moment if he tried.

 

* * *

 

She sat meditating in the room Anakin had set aside for her, the lights low and a candle set before her. She’d fabricated some drapes in soft colors to take away from the stark lines of the ship, and arranged cushions on the floor to make it more comfortable.

 

The door chime sounded, and she opened her eyes.

 

“Come in,” she called, and felt a flutter of nervousness. This would be the first trooper to come to her to try to help heal the hurt in his soul. Anakin had put the word out, quietly, that their commander would try, for any interested trooper, to help them start to heal after the trauma of Umbara. She had no idea if any of them would want to try, or even admit how scaring the experience had been. Now that someone was here, she was worried that she couldn’t help at all.

 

What surprised her was that it wasn’t one trooper, but three. They were all in standard shipboard wear. No armor, but some loose clothing to go over their body suits, and some regulation boots. She was glad to see them without the armor, it meant they didn’t feel like they had to hide or protect themselves.

 

“Kix, Fives, Tup,” she said, acknowledging them individually. They all felt different. Kix was subdued, flattened out. Fives was a simmering pot of anger, and Tup was like a sinkhole of despair. But then, he would be, he had been close to Dogma.

 

“Commander,” they said, and fidgeted, looking nervously at the set up of the room. She waved them in, and they sat on the cushions, awkwardness radiating from them.

 

“Not ‘Commander,’ not in here,” she told them. “Here, I’m just Ahsoka, your friend, and I want to see if I can help.” She held out a hand, small but strong, and Kix took it. He had always been the first to understand the need to heal, body and mind, and it didn’t surprise her that he was here. The other two, however, were unexpected.

 

“Though, if I may ask, why did you come together?” she asked.

 

“Will that make it more difficult for you?” Kix asked, worried. Worried for her, she realized, and her heart broke all over again.

 

“Its okay, Kix, I’ll be fine,” she said, and tried to make her smile reassuring.

 

“Kix didn’t want to come alone,” Fives teased. Then he sighed. “Okay, actually, truth, since we’re friends here, yeah? Kix bullied us, said that if _we_ did this healing thing then more of the men would, and that it would be good for them to try. And, well…” he trailed off.

 

“None of us wish to do this alone,” Tup said softly. “To face this, without our brothers, I don’t think any of us want to do that. We trust you… Ahsoka, we do. But having our brothers beside us helps.”

 

She nodded, understanding. So much was unsaid. _They help each other be brave, to have the courage to face their own demons, their own sorrow and grief and anger and oh my boys._

 

Taking a breath, she let her own emotions ebb away from her. They were still there, but she couldn’t let them be a part of this. It was about _their_ emotions, their minds and hearts and souls. She held out her other hand, and Tup took it. She nodded at Fives, and with only a hint of reluctance, he took his brother’s hands in his own.

 

Closing her eyes, she reached out to the Force and felt it fill her with its life and light. Then she took a breath. This was like Force healing but applied to the soul, not the body. She directed the flow of the Force to each of them, connecting them together, and for a moment their pain and fear and anger and sorrow was almost overwhelming for her. This was the danger, and she teetered on the brink of losing herself in the storm.

 

Another breath, and she centered herself, she found the core of who and what she was, and focused on her love of them, her care and concern and respect for their bravery, their drive, their sacrifice and projected that outwards. At that, she could feel them turn away from their own emotions, responding to her like starving children suddenly set at a banquet.

 

 _How little love they have in their lives, how little appreciation and care and oh,_ she thought in the corner of her mind that she kept to herself. _I have to do more for them, we all have to do so much more for them_.

 

But that was for the future, and this was now, and now they needed to start healing the hurt.

 

She worked with Kix first, drawing out his pain, like she would in healing, but it was all emotional. Doing it like this, however, they all experienced what Kix did, the confusion, the terror, the frustration, but together they saw it for what it was: a moment in time, something that happened to him but was not all of him. She drew on her own memories of Kix and those from Fives and Tup as well, and she countered his struggle with the image of a kind man, who cared about his brothers, who would do anything to heal them, and was a bit of a mother-hen about it. She let the humor shine through, knowing that if they could laugh, they were not lost.

 

Tup was next, then Fives, and when it was all said and done, they were not healed as such, but the healing process had begun. They were centered again, themselves again, and although they would still feel their grief and rage and despair, it would not destroy them. They were healing.

 

Almost reluctantly, Kix and Tup let go of her hands but she favored them with a smile. She reached across from her and squeezed Fives’ hand for good measure. There were tears running down their cheeks, but none of them dashed them away. Their tears were safe with her and their brothers.

 

They didn’t say anything, as if speaking would break everything apart. Together they stood, nodded at her, and left, each in their own thoughts. In spite of the difficulty, and how tired it made her, Ahsoka knew she had done the right thing. She only hoped it would be enough.

 

* * *

 

After two days of helping to heal the troopers, Ahsoka was exhausted. Master Skywalker had not said anything after the first day, but merely gave her a look that said all she had to do was say the word, and he would put a halt to the Force-based therapy sessions. She shook her head. Most of them had come by, in groups of three or four, and she had helped them all as best she could. Fives had been right, after the three of them had gotten help, it was like the floodgates had opened.

 

None of them were the same, they never would be, but they could learn to live with what had happened to them and find a way to keep going.

 

There was only one trooper left, and it shouldn’t have surprised her. Her captain was a controlled man, and probably the idea of his (admittedly tiny) commander rooting around in his soul didn’t sit well with him.

 

 _Tough poodoo_ , she thought to herself. Because when she saw him, when she was near him, she could feel an echo of what was going on inside, and it was enough to make her weep. There was all of it, all the rage, grief, hurt, raw and open and bleeding, but the part that scared her was the part that he directed at himself, this simmering self-loathing that bubbled underneath everything else.

 

Master Skywalker might or might not have felt it. She was never sure with him. He was so powerful that he must be able to feel how their captain was killing himself from the inside out, in spite of the calm veneer he maintained. But then, sometimes Anakin’s power blinded him to the finer details, the things that required finesse. Hence why he wasn’t able to help the troopers, at least not the way she was helping. He kept them busy, though, and working. Work helped.

 

Still, she was puzzling over Rex.

 

She could order him, or get Kix to pull medical rank on him. _Ha, that would only blow up in my face_ , she knew. No, she would try for the soft approach, get him to want her help. She knew the Jedi order preached non-attachment, control, distance, and maybe she should let go, but she had to try first. She always had to try.

 

* * *

 

It was midnight, ship time, and she knocked on the door to Rex’s office. Normally, she didn’t spy on the troops with the Force, but now and again it came in handy. The door opened to reveal her captain, looking the worse for wear if one knew where to look.

 

“Commander,” he said, tone brusque. _No, that’s won’t do, Rex. You can’t brush this off or push me away,_ she thought, and she swore he could read her mind sometimes.

 

“Just leave it be, Ahsoka,” he said, voice hard. He was tense and on edge, like he was poised to fight and tear apart anything that came too close.

 

“Can’t, won’t,” she told him, and ducking under his arm, she entered his office. It was a spare place, but one earned by his captaincy, if only to give him a place to discipline soldiers privately. He growled at her intrusion, closing the door and rounding on her. She narrowed her eyes, glaring at him.

 

“Don’t you dare try to scare me into leaving, Rex. You’re hurting, damn you, and I don’t get why you won’t let me help!” she yelled, fierce and defiant. _So much for the soft approach_.

 

“Because I don’t deserve help,” he grit out, matching her glare with one of his own. “I don’t deserve healing or forgiveness or absolution, or whatever you’re doing for the men. They deserve your help! I don’t!” he yelled right back, standing toe-to-toe with her, trying to make her back down with his sheer physical presence.

 

 _Oh_ , she thought, her heart going out to him. _Oh my captain._

 

Reaching up, she took his face in her hands, burnt orange against a warm brown, stood on tip-toe and touched his forehead to hers. He blinked, at a loss for how to react to the sudden intimate closeness, so he froze.

 

“I’m your friend, Rex, and I care about you. And you deserve help, Rex,” she said, and he tensed again, about to argue, about to pull away. “I read the report, I know the facts, but please tell me why you think the facts damn you to this pain.” He sighed, closed his eyes, and relaxed slightly. Slightly. Rex, she reminded herself, might have a dry sense of humor and be a touch reckless, but he was never, ever out of control.

 

“Because I killed them, as surely as _Krell_ ,” he snarled the name. “If I had acted sooner, been smarter, seen through him earlier.” He fought against her hold, and she let him go. He paced the small room, a ball of roiling emotions.

 

“How many good men died because I _followed orders_ ,” he growled. His control was starting to fray, his hands clenching into fists. She watched, and kept silent, as the words poured out of him. Recounting every last detail and how he _felt_ about it at the time, all the things that a report form doesn’t have a box for.

 

“He had us killing each other, and I swear I knew before I had proof. I _felt_ the wrongness of it. But I had _orders_. How many brothers did I kill, how many brothers did I lead into that? And in the end, in the end, I couldn’t kill him!” he exclaimed. He’d worked himself into a frenzy, and suddenly he grabbed her by the shoulders, his eyes wild. “He was _right_! I was weak! I couldn’t kill him, I couldn’t…” he trailed off his voice breaking as he sank to his knees in front of her, his head in his hands.

 

Ahsoka knelt next to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he wept and screamed and raged, inarticulate sounds of grief and self-loathing ripped out of his chest. She didn’t shush him or tell him it would be all right. One was for children and the other was certainly not true. But she could hold him, and remind him that he wasn’t alone, and that he didn’t have to carry this burden by himself.

 

Slowly, he quieted, and she worried that he would snap away from her, retreat back into the guise of ‘captain’ that had allowed his self-hatred and pain to become so entrenched in the first place. But he surprised her, as he did now and again, by relaxing against her. Cautiously, she opened herself up to the Force and tried to read him. The anger and grief were still there, the hurt and sense of betrayal, and the self-loathing was less, though not gone.

 

That, she knew, _needed_ to be gone if he were to heal. That would get in the way of dealing with everything else. The rest she could trust to him, this, this was her job.

 

Like before she opened herself to the Force and reached out to him. He was there, draped and shadowed in darkness, almost turned in on himself, but not completely. Finding an opening, she directed her care, her love, for him at him, and she reached farther, drawing on Kix’s worry for his captain, Fives’ forgiveness, Tup’s concern, Master Skywalker’s regard, and all the rest. His muscles tensed, and she thought he would pull away, that this was too much for him, that in an effort to wear away his self-hatred with the love of his friends and brothers, he would recoil.

 

But he didn’t. He gripped her hand, and his eyes were wide with surprise and awe and gratitude. “I had no idea,” he whispered. “No idea.”

 

“We love you, Rex,” she said softly. “Please don’t hate yourself for what happened. Everyone knows you did everything you could, and no one blames you. You _saved_ them, Rex.” He drew a deep breath then, and she could _feel_ him letting it go, letting go at least of the hate he had for himself.

 

They stayed like that for some moments, Rex still drawing on the comfort that she was feeding him by the Force and perhaps from her holding him still. Slowly, carefully, gingerly, she withdrew, in the Force and physically as well. He had to stand on his own after this, they both knew that, but that was no reason to snatch everything away from at once.

 

Sitting on the floor, legs crossed, he rubbed his hand tiredly over his face. He looked at her then, a glint of dry humor in his eye, like always. Rex would hurt for a long time, but he was himself again, more or less. He was grounded once again, steady and true as he always was.

 

“I suppose,” he drawled, “that you’re going to be smug about this for a while, aren’t you?”

 

“So smug,” she said with a somewhat forced brightness. She stood, understanding that Rex needed to be back under control, and humor was a way to do that. He needed his own time to process everything, but now she could leave without worrying that he’d up and space himself or do something else equally drastic and permanent. She was at the door and about to open it when he spoke again.

 

“Ahsoka,” he called softly, back on his feet. She turned. “Thank you,” he said, and in those words and in his eyes were all the words he didn’t say, words of love and humbled pride, words of a profound gratitude and a fleeting sense of peace.

 

She inclined her head. Part of her wanted to hug him again, for herself this time, to reassure herself that Rex was Rex and at least one small part of the galaxy still made sense. But she didn’t, because she knew he was still too raw to handle her own worries.

 

“I’ll always help you, Rex. I’m your friend,” she said, and they both knew it was true. Without a good-bye or good-night, she left and returned to her room. Before she succumbed to sleep her self, exhausted and emotionally wrung out, she extended her Force senses, and found for the first time in days that her friends were all sleeping soundly. Every last one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the first fic I actually wrote/dreamed up for this thing. Finally getting to post it. Also, the next time we see Rex after Umbara, he's... pretty damn normal. I could only imagine that some seriously intense therapy happened.


	6. Chatper 5: The Wind does not require the Grass to answer

“Rex,” Anakin said as they broke atmosphere and were leaving Onderon behind. Rex perked up at the tone of his general’s voice, it was thoughtful and a little wary. “You think Ahsoka has a crush on that Bonteri boy?”

 

Rex tried not to laugh, which he managed, but he couldn’t help the dry smirk. That seemed to be a reflex at this point, and he was thankful that Skywalker was flying and not looking at him. General Kenobi, however, saw, but only smiled with knowing amusement. Rex really missed his bucket right now. Missed it the whole time he was on that planet, but the last few missions had been covert, so no bucket, no armor. At least this time he got to wear more normal clothing.

 

“Why do you ask, sir?” Rex countered, not willing to make a definitive statement when he didn’t know the general’s reaction. His commander clearly _did_ have a crush on the boy, but Rex wasn’t going to turn her in, so to speak.

 

She hadn’t said a thing to him on the planet, but he had seen her with her heart in her eyes when she looked at the boy. While Rex wasn’t sure why Bonteri had caught her eye, he could see that the boy was interested in Stella. It wouldn’t end well for his commander, Rex knew that much, but there was little he could do about it except be the captain she could rely on.

 

“Because, I’d like your opinion on Bonteri. Look, it was obvious, but if she does… care for him, then I want a second opinion on him,” Skywalker said. General Kenobi’s eyebrows rose at that.

 

“Anakin,” Kenobi said, his cultured voice a counter to Anakin’s often brusque tone.   Just by saying his name, General Kenobi made his former apprentice sigh and let go of the tension in his shoulders.

 

“I know, I know,” Skywalker said. “She wouldn’t be allowed to pursue a romance no matter what. I was just… I don’t want her getting more hurt than she has to be. Maybe, maybe it will be easier on her if he turns out to be not so noble, or if he’s not interested in her.”

 

Rex obliquely watched General Kenobi’s face, which was a mix of complete sympathy and understanding and a remnant of an old sadness that Rex tried not to wonder about. Jedi, he was learning, were just as troubled by matters of the heart as anyone else. Maybe more so in some ways.

 

“I know what you mean, Anakin,” Kenobi said. “And I agree. I care for Ahsoka as well, and though it is a lesson most of us learn, there is no reason to wish more pain on her than necessary. For what it’s worth, while I do think he’s a noble young man, and I see why she cares for him, I believe his heart is elsewhere.”

 

“Focused on the mission?” Anakin asked. “But what happens when Rash is overthrown? Will he see her there and…?”

 

“If I may, sirs?” Rex put in, and went on as the other men nodded. “If you want to know what I think of Bonteri? I reckon he’s a likely boy, and he’s committed to his cause, I won’t argue that. Give him a few years, and he might even make a decent soldier,” Rex said, unable to help himself. He would do for gruella tactics, but a stand up fight would never be the boy’s forte. Skywalker and Kenobi both had brief chuckle at that little assessment.

 

“But I was keeping an eye on all the rebels, to help determine the best work groups, to find spots of friction, other than Saw’s existence, and well. Bonteri and Stella seem to have eyes for each other. The commander noticed as well, that’s for sure,” he said. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this, discussing Ahsoka’s romantic troubles like it was a mission report, but the general had asked, and he couldn’t not answer, especially since Skywalker had figured it out for himself. The Jedi were silent at that. Skywalker punched the hyperdrive, and once they were off, he turned around to face Rex and Kenobi.

 

“This is making you uncomfortable, Rex, I can feel it,” Skywalker said.

 

“Doesn’t seem right, to dissect her love life, or whatever it is, sir. She might be only sixteen, but she’s been through a lot and always kept her head. I figure she’s earned the right to handle this on her own. You’ll be there for her if she needs you, sir, but otherwise, I reckon it’s not our business,” he said. He didn’t often talk back to the general, or any Jedi, but Skywalker, and even Kenobi were different. They _listened_. So on occasion, Rex spoke the truth as he saw it, even if it didn’t mesh well with the Jedi viewpoint.

 

“Well said, Rex,” Kenobi said. “And I believe you are correct. What do you think, Anakin?”

 

Skywalker tensed. Rex knew the man, and knew he wanted to control the outcome, to prevent all hurt, especially the heart’s hurt that awaited his Padawan, regardless of how that little love triangle worked out. Rex sympathized, but he knew, knew very well these days, that there was no preventing the heart’s pain, it was part of being alive: there was only surviving it and finding a new way to live. Ahsoka had showed him that, and it had been the most precious gift he had ever received. He knew she would find a way to move on as well.

 

“I don’t like it, but fine. I’ll stay out of it,” he said. “But if he hurts her, I get to scare the nine hells out of him,” he declared, shaking his finger at Kenobi. Kenobi laughed.

 

“Anakin, I’d help,” the other general said.

 

“I’m going to place my money on her figuring out she could do better and leaving _him_ heartbroken,” Rex said dryly, and that set both Jedi to laughing.

 

* * *

 

Rex didn’t see his commander again until after she’d made it back to Coruscant with the younglings. He swore, she got into far more than her fair share of trouble. First, the Trandoshans kidnapping her off Felucia, and most recently attacked and kidnapped by, and then working _with_ the pirate Hondo to get away from Separatists. Skywalker had been frantic, again, to find her, to rescue her and bring her back home safe.

 

Not that Rex didn’t worry. He did. For all that she was strong and fierce, she was rather small and not as powerful as she would be one day. But he knew that there was little he could do, save hope that she would find her way back, as she always did.

 

“And then, this is the crazy part, the younglings showed up with a circus!” Ahoska said, recounting her most recent adventure for Torrent Company. “So there I was, in braces, my sabres in Hondo’s hands, and six Jedi younglings start doing an acrobatics routine,” she said, continuing to paint a picture of the ridiculous escape.

 

Rex smiled, leaning back in his chair, happy to see her back home with the brothers, telling stories of her exploits. The men ate it up, enjoying seeing the galaxy through her eyes, eyes that had known a childhood and its small joys, eyes that still saw beauty and wonder in the galaxy, eyes that continued to see hope even when it was in short supply.

 

He never did find out exactly what happened between her and the Bonteri boy. He never asked, but he knew. He felt for her, even as she detailed how six younglings rescued her, playing up the comedy for all she was worth. Sometimes, just sometimes, he thought that she had too much love to give for it to be locked away. But it wasn’t his place to question ancient Jedi rules, and he hoped she could find happiness inside the rules set down for her. Because one day this war would be over, and though he might not live to see the end of it, he would try like hell to make sure she did and that she had a full live to live afterwards, whatever that meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rex and Ahsoka kind of exist past each other in the show at these points, but that doesn't mean they don't interact at all. The title of the chapter, I feel, echoes that. Ahoska went off on these adventures and Rex knows she'll come back at some point.


	7. Chapter 6: She cannot keep Her place

Obi-Wan Kenobi started after Anakin, but stopped at Master Koon’s hand on his shoulder. Master Koon was right, and as much as he wanted to help his former Padawan, Anakin and Ahsoka needed a moment. _And I will be able to help Anakin later, I only have so much time left to help Ahsoka_ , he thought. Nodding at Master Koon, he left to make a call.

 

* * *

 

“Ahsoka Tano,” a harried young human woman called out to her. Ahsoka turned and saw a Senatorial courier speeding towards her on a swoop bike. Knowing better than to try to avoid a Senatorial summons—she might have left the Order, but she was still a citizen of the Republic—she stopped and waited for the woman to land.

 

“Yes, can I help you?” she asked, worried. _How could **anyone**_ _in the Senate know about her so quickly? Did they want to ask her questions about Barriss, about how she didn’t know, didn’t see her for what she was?_ Ahsoka had no answers for that, not yet, and that was half the reason she was leaving. To find answers.

 

“Senator Amidala has summoned you,” the woman said, handing over a card stamped with the official seal of Naboo. _Oh, of course she would know._

 

“Alright,” Ahsoka said despondently. It seemed that she couldn’t just make her escape, go to ground for a little while and find a way off this planet without raising more of a fuss than she absolutely had to. “Let’s go,” she said, and hopped on bike. They were off, and not even the thrilling speed allowed to a Senatorial courier could make her perk up.

 

* * *

 

“Oh, Ahsoka,” was the first thing Padmé said when she entered the plush apartments, and promptly embraced the young woman. Ahsoka couldn’t help but return the hug, though over the Senator’s shoulders she saw Master Kenobi standing there, arms folded across his chest and a concerned expression on his face.

 

The women drew apart, and Padmé directed Ahsoka to the couch, where they all sat. Ahsoka shot them both a slightly betrayed glance.

 

“I’m sorry, I should say good-bye, but…” she trailed off and looked pointedly at Master Kenobi.

 

“Ahsoka,” Padmé said, holding her hands in her own, “Obi-Wan contacted me and told me what happened. He and I, we both agreed that you shouldn’t have to go out there on your own.”

 

“You,” she said slowly, “you aren’t going to try to stop me?”

 

“Ahsoka,” Master Kenobi said, his voice soft and sure. “You have made your choice, and though I might not like it, I respect it. I know you well enough by now to know you would not do this lightly, and that you have good reasons for doing so. You have more than earned that trust, Ahsoka.”

 

At those words, she felt a warmth in her chest, a warmth and a sadness that was more profound than she expected at this good-bye. Saying good-bye to Master Skywalker had been horrible: his look of betrayal and hurt were almost too much to bear. She had run away, and wanted to keep running. This, however, was a very different kind of good-bye. It was the kind where they expected her to say ‘hello’ again.

 

“But we also think that you shouldn’t have to go out there without any help,” Padmé said. She gave Master Kenobi a quick glance, and he nodded, gesturing for her to continue. “We’ve put at your disposal a rather generous supply of funds, and Obi-Wan has signed over a ship to your name.”

 

“What?!” Ahsoka exclaimed, almost standing back up in surprise, save for Padmé’s hands holding hers. “But, I can’t, it’s too much. I can’t.   I… I…”

 

“You can,” Ahsoka, Master Kenobi told her. “We are your friends, and we will do for you what we can.” Then he smiled. “Master Koon donated a few credits to the cause as well, and is currently stocking the ship for you.”

 

“Master Koon, too?” Ahsoka wasn’t sure how to handle this, so she simply sat, head bowed, still started by the lack of the soft _clack-clack_ of her Padawan braid as she moved her head.

 

“We cannot ever undo what was done, Ahsoka,” Master Kenobi said, his regret clear in his voice. “Nor do I think we can ever make it right, but we can help you take your next steps with confidence. As I said, you earned more than you know, Ahsoka Tano."

 

“Let me take to your ship, Ahsoka,” Padmé said, rising from the couch. Ahsoka gently let go of the Senator’s hands.

 

“No, I think…” she glanced at Master Kenobi and then returned her attention to Padmé. “No, I think I have some other friends to say good-bye to.” Padmé smiled, understanding without having to be told. She had seen how much Ahsoka cared for her troopers. Anakin had told her of some of the things his Padawan, former Padawan, had done for them, and she knew the Jedi Order and the Republic were losing the very kind of person they should be trying like hell to keep.

 

“Then you should do that,” Padmé said. “I will miss you, Ahsoka, and I can say that because I’m not a Jedi.” The Senator gave Kenobi a level look, but he only inclined his head in response. “You have been a beacon of light and hope in these dark times, and more, my friend. It has been a joy to watch you grow and mature, and I am so sorry that I will miss you becoming the amazing woman I know you will be. I just hope that one day, sooner rather than later, mind, that you come back. That you come back and show them all just how remarkable you really are.” Ahsoka nearly cried in Senator Amidala’s luxury apartment at that little speech, but she took a deep breath, calming her emotions.

 

“Thank you, Padmé,” she said. “I… I don’t know what to say. I’ll miss you, too. Both of you. Which I can say, since I’m not a Jedi now either,” she said dryly, giving Master Kenobi a glance just as the Senator did. Obi-Wan huffed in amusement, and rolled his eyes.

 

“Yes, point taken, ladies,” he said, standing. He put a hand on Ahsoka’s shoulder and smiled down at her. “You will do well, regardless of wherever you go. I know that. May the Force be with you, Ahsoka, always,” he said, his voice soft, and she could swear there was a slight catch in it. She smiled up at him.

 

“And you, Master Kenobi,” she said. He removed his hand, and she gave Padmé one last hug. The women held each other tightly for a moment, before they let go. “Good-bye, Padmé.”

 

“Good-bye, Ahsoka. Stay safe, and if you ever need anything, you contact me,” the older woman said.

 

“I will, Padmé,” she said, though she wasn’t sure if she would. Even if she were in dire trouble, Ahsoka was more and more resolved to see where the Force would take her, to see what answers were out there, and to do that she couldn’t cry out for help at every bit of turbulence. She had to stand on her own now, but it helped to know that her friends still cared about her. More, that they loved her, even if they didn’t say it. That was fine, because she loved them too, even if she didn’t say it either.

 

* * *

 

It had been hard to say farewell to the Senator and Master Kenobi, and turning away from Master Skywalker wouldn’t stop hurting, but this… this was going to be worse in some ways. _Because they don’t know yet._

 

They would see her, and for a moment they would think that everything was better, that they had their commander back. And she would have to tell them that they were wrong.

 

Her hand hovered over the door panel, hesitating, which was unlike her. A deep breath, and she found _a_ place to center herself, even if she wasn’t properly grounded like she was before. She opened the door. And there was Torrent Company. Jesse, Tup, and Kix were playing sabacc, Fives was kicking Echo’s ass at darts, and Rex. Rex sat at a table cleaning his DCs, and as the door opened he looked up. For a second, for just a second, she saw in his eyes a mix of hope and happiness and a relief so profound that it stunned her. Then it was gone.

 

“Commander,” he said softly, and at that, all their heads turned. Fives clapped Echo on the shoulder, causing a dart to fly wide, but Echo didn’t even complain. Jesse, Tup and Kix threw their cards down and rushed over to her, and Rex set down his gun and rose as well, though he hung back slightly. It was almost like being surrounded by over-excited younglings, their joy was nearly overwhelming.

 

She knew it was right to do this, to say good-bye, and it wasn’t going to be easy, so she opted for the direct route, as ever.

 

“Not ‘Commander’, not anymore,” she said, stopping for a breath, but Echo seemed to brighten and spoke before she could say anything else.

 

“General?” he asked. “I knew it! They’ve made you a general, a full Jedi Knight, right? You said something about going through a Trial to get there, and well, this certainly counts. You saw it through, and they just had to make you a Knight!” The other men nodded.

 

“It makes sense,” Jesse said. “You’ve proven yourself plenty of times. Congratulations!”

 

“Of course,” Tup said, “It means you’ll have to leave the 501st, and we’ll be sorry to see you go, but we’re proud of you.” _Oh,_ she thought, _I have to stop this._ Rex must have seen something of her dilemma on her face, because he broke into the conversation.

 

“Let her speak, troopers,” Rex said, overriding more misplaced congratulations. “And I think we should all take a seat. I’ve got a feeling you lot have drawn the wrong conclusions.” Confused, the other troopers sat, thoughtful frowns on their faces.

 

“I’m… I left the Order,” she said, and almost as one (except Rex again, who watched her closely), the troopers stood up and started yelling. They were going to march over there and give those Jedi a piece of their mind, how dare they kick her out after everything she’s been through, those Jedi don’t know their Commander like they do, and they’d go through all nine Corellian hells before they let her get booted out like a know-nothing grunt. She was torn between utter embarrassment and horror at the thought of them challenging the Jedi Council, and feeling like she was the luckiest most loved Commander ( _former Commander_ , she thought) in the whole Grand Army.

 

“That’s not what she said, boys,” Rex said, again getting things back on track, and she saw that he knew. This was her saying good-bye, and he looked… sad. Not sad like Anakin, who felt like a well of despair when she last saw him; Rex was sad, but accepting. The troopers looked at their captain, and he pointedly looked at their vacant seats. They sat again.

 

“What are you saying, then, Commander?” Kix asked, looking like he’d been hit over the head.

 

“It was my choice to leave, Kix,” she said. “They offered to take me back, to consider this whole thing my Trial, so you were right about that. But I refused. I…” She drew a deep breath, and at least this time they stayed quiet. “I don’t trust the Council anymore, because when something happened they looked for the convenient answer, the easy answer, and that is not the kind of place I want to be. More… I can _feel_ something’s wrong,” she said, and they all looked at her sharply for that. Over the last two years they had learned to trust her feelings, and suddenly they were all on edge. “Something’s wrong, and I can’t figure out what’s wrong if I’m caught up in Jedi Council problems or Republic politics. I think it’s a kind of wrongness that will only become clear with distance.”

 

“You’re not just leaving the Order,” Fives said, eyes narrowed. He was always the quickest to see what was going on underneath a person’s words. “You’re leaving the whole army, you’re leaving us.”

 

“Yes, and I will miss all of you so much, and I’m so sorry to leave you,” she said, and she felt terrible. Their expressions fell, and she felt like she had betrayed them.

 

“Its okay, Commander, though... its not Commander anymore is it?” Kix asked. So kind, always so kind, Kix. “What do you we call you now? Miss Tano?”

 

“How about ‘Ahsoka’?” she said, giving them a small grin. They smiled at her in response.

 

“What are you going to do now, where are you going to go?” Echo asked, earnest as ever.

 

“Not sure,” she answered. “But Senator Amidala, Master Kenobi and Master Koon gave me a ship and some credits, so, I can spend some time figuring things out. I’ll be okay,” she said, trying to reassure them.

 

“Least they could do, really,” Fives grumbled.

 

“Its more than I felt comfortable accepting, but they insisted. It was more for their peace of mind than anything else,” she told him. “Don’t, please don’t hate them for this. It’s my choice. _My_ choice, no one else’s.”

 

“But they drove you to this,” Tup said, eyes narrowed. “And we didn’t help much either.” He shot Rex a quick, almost nasty look at that last comment. Rex, for his part, merely looked away, almost like he was backing down from a fight. She wasn’t sure what that was about, but wanted things to be clear before she left.

 

“I don’t blame anyone. I especially don’t blame any of you,” she said firmly, feeling on more solid ground. “You had to do your duty, and I understand. Please believe that. I don’t want to leave you all thinking something that isn’t true.”

 

“We believe you, Ahsoka,” Echo said, always eager to please. “And we’re going to miss you.”

 

“I’m going to miss you too,” she said, and on impulse she hugged Echo. He was startled at first, but then he hugged her back, and all but Rex joined the hug. Rex looked away, stood and made his way to the door, waiting. The troopers let her go, and she looked at them all for what might be the last time.

 

“I love you all, you know that. And I know I don’t have to say this, but take care of each other, keep each other safe, and one day, well,” she said, thinking about her promise to Padmé. “One day I’ll come back and I expect you all to be much, much better at darts. Try to make a challenge, will you?”

 

They laughed, and said that they loved her too, and saying good-bye took another five minutes for advice and hugs. No longer their commander, but simply their friend, she felt like this much, at least, was safe to express. Barriss’ example served as a stark reminder of how the wrong _kind_ of emotion could lead her astray, and until she figured that out, she would try to remain cautious.

 

Rex remained separate, watching Ahsoka’s good-byes with his troopers. When she was ready to leave, he followed her out the door, his intention to see her off by himself unspoken but understood.

 

“The captain was awfully quiet,” Jesse said. “You think he’s taking this alright?”

 

“Considering its Rex,” Fives said, “he’d rather be facing down a whole battalion of super battle droids than saying goodbye to her. At least he could shoot the droids.”

 

“Known each other through a lot, those two. Since Christophsis,” Tup said.

 

“I suppose it is rare for one of us to know anyone, except brothers, for that long,” Kix said. “Its bound to be difficult.”

 

“We should probably clean up before he comes back, inform the rest of the 501st,” Echo said. “Save him from that at least.”

 

“Good call, Echo,” Fives said. “Let’s move out, boys.” And so the men of Torrent company went to do one of the hardest jobs they’d ever had to do: tell the rest of the battalion that their brave, brilliant, beautiful commander was leaving. Because she was so much more than a commander: she was a fierce warrior, a caring friend, and a source of hope for men who were too often in hopeless situations.

 

Ahsoka Tano was gone, and for the men of the 501st, the galaxy just got a little bit darker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This had to happen sooner or later. The idea that Ahsoka gets a ship and some credits from Padme or Obi-Wan isn't mine, but I like the gist of it a great deal. Of course she got off planet somehow, and her friends weren't going to let her just fly off without some help.


	8. Chapter 7: And reasons not contained

Rex walked by Ahsoka’s side, his hands clasped behind his back, his helmet clipped to his belt. They could have taken a speeder or a swoop bike, but neither of them had headed towards the Grand Army transport pool. By unspoken agreement, they walked, their pace almost sedate. It would take them a while to get to the hangar bay where Ahsoka’s new ship waited.

 

There was so much to say, too much, and he wasn’t sure where to start. From the time she said she was no longer a commander, he knew. He knew she was leaving. He felt like he’d been shot in the chest, a burning bolt of pain that seared sharply through him.   She had become important to him, and was one of his closest friends, perhaps his closest friend now.

 

Over the last two years much had changed. He had survived Geonosis and everything since, but when Ahsoka had showed up on Christophsis, though he didn’t know it at the time, his life would never be the same. She brought joy, not just the dry, gallows humor that helped the men cope with the stress of war. She brought hope, not just a gritty sense of duty and determination that had been literally coded into them body and mind. And she had demonstrated a depth of care, of love, that no clone had ever expected to receive.

 

Glancing at her, he saw she was lost in her own thoughts, eyes lingering on the glittering skyline of Coruscant for what might be the last time. But something of his feelings must have caught her attention, because she looked at him and graced him with sad smile, not quite wide enough to let her sharp canines show as they usually did when she grinned.

 

“So I guess you’ll be the commander of the 501st now,” she said, and he knew she must not have known where to start either, if his possible (and unwanted and unasked for) promotion was the best she could come up with. “Did it ever bother you,” she went on, “that if I hadn’t shown up, that you would have been promoted to commander about two years ago?” He shook his head.

 

“Never even gave it a thought,” he told her, and it was true. “Besides, without you, the whole business with the Huttling probably wouldn’t have gone so well.”

 

“I won’t argue there. Skyguy…” she trailed off, her face stricken for a moment. _Stang_ , Rex though, _the general is **not** going to take this well._ Well, Rex would deal with the general when he had to deal with the general, but right now he wanted to say a proper good-bye to Ahsoka, but still unsure how to do so. He had never really had to ( _or gotten to_ , he thought) say good-bye to someone who was still alive. It was a new situation that was simultaneously unpleasant but still more pleasant than the alternative.

 

“Master Skywalker,” she said, composure returned, “does _not_ like Hutts.” Rex couldn’t help but give a little amused huff at that understatement.

 

“He’s not subtle about his dislike, no,” Rex agreed. Then he tried to get the conversation back on course as they rounded the long concourse between the army barracks and the spaceport. “But I meant what I said. I never even wondered what it would be like if you hadn’t been there, because well…”

 

He stopped walking and turned to face her, and she followed suit. She was taller now, though still smaller than him, and her blue eyes were dark and deep against the orange of her skin.

 

“You are without a doubt the finest commander I have served with, and it has been an honor and privilege to be your captain for these past two years,” he said, and although the words were military and formal, inside them, in his soft tone and warm eyes, were all the words that were in his heart: that he respected and loved this young woman who had made a clone troopers life less like a clone troopers life. She smiled, she smiled widely and true, her canines showing this time, and it was like seeing the stars again after too long dirtside.

 

“And I’ve been the luckiest commander to have the finest captain in the whole damn army,” she said, and Rex knew she meant it. To her, he was the best captain, clone or non-clone, and once again she said things that were honest and right and made him feel like he wasn’t just another solider. “Oh, and Rex,” she said, looping her arm in his as she started walking again. “That has got to be the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

 

“Really? _That’s_ the nicest thing I’ve ever said to you? I’m not sure what that says about our lives, Ahsoka,” he teased, and she looked up at him with a cheeky grin.

 

“Me either, but if it doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t bother me,” she said, and they continued to walk, the discomfort between them at their imminent parting disappearing as they talked of times gone by. They talked of triumphs and battles won, shared a moment for battles lost and friends gone, and lingered over the small moments of camaraderie that punctuated their piece-meal lives.

 

They reached the spaceport too soon, and they withdrew from each other just before they reached the checkpoint. The clerk waved them through, and their mood turned somber again. The ship Kenobi had given Ahsoka was an old Hawk model, a HWK-290 if his flash learning was right. A nice one, too. Rex’s eyebrows shot up at that. She’d be able to go far, go fast, and be comfortable.

 

“Hey Rex,” she said, looking at the ship, not him. “Why did Tup glare at you like that?” Rex felt his hands clench. He wished Tup had kept quiet about that, but he knew some of the company held him responsible for _that_ call. And he was. It had made him sick to do it, but the general had given the order. Had it been anyone else, anyone at all, and Rex would have tried to find a work around, but he trusted that Skywalker had a plan so he had done as ordered.

 

But that hadn’t been the first time an order hadn’t sat well with him. It wouldn’t be the last.

 

“I called it in. _Fox_ ,” he growled, “had set the order to shoot on sight. The general remanded that order, but he had me downgrade it to ‘armed and dangerous.’” He looked away sharply, teeth clenched. “But I still called it in, against everything that I knew, I called it in.”

 

“Rex,” she said softly, her hand turning his face back towards her, an unbearable understanding in her eyes. “Its okay.”

 

“No, it’s not, but it is what it is,” he allowed. Drawing a deep breath, he took her hand in his and pressed it to his chest. “All you have to do is say the word, you know.” _Say the word, and I… and Torrent Company would follow you, will back you up out there. I said I’d watch your back_ , he thought, _I would still._

 

“I do now,” she said, smiling again. “But I won’t. I won’t put you in an impossible position between your duty and being my friend,” she told him, and he wasn’t sure if he was grateful for her understanding or desperately wishing she would do it anyway. “Just promise me something, Rex.”

 

“I’ll keep an eye on the general,” he said. She shook her head.

 

“You’d do that anyway. And the men, you’ll look after them all, but that’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking that you look after yourself, Rex,” she said.

 

“I’ll do my best,” he said, knowing that she knew any promise wouldn’t be a promise at all. This was war: there were no promises. “You’ll do the same, yeah?”

 

“I’ll do the same,” she affirmed. Her hand, still held against his chest, pressed against him for a moment, and then she started to pull away. He let her go.

 

Rex watched her walk up the gangway, and someone who didn’t know better might think her alone and small against the vastness of the galaxy. But she wasn’t alone, not really, and she wasn’t small, not in the ways that counted.

 

And sometimes, realizations come too late. For in that moment he knew his heart was leaving with her, because though theirs wasn’t a romance, she was special to him, of all the people in the galaxy. She had burrowed into his life and made a space for herself all without even trying, simply by virtue of who she was, and now that she was leaving there was a hollow where she should be. But how to say that, how to put it in words something that was too big to real for words to contain? So he didn’t.

 

“Ahsoka,” he called out. She turned, looking down at him from the hatchway to the ship. “May the Force be with you.”

 

“Ret'urcye mhi, Rex. Kar'taylir vercopa,” she said in halting Mando’a. He felt a grin tug at the corner of his mouth, in spite of everything, and inclined his head in way of reply. She smiled thinly in return, and then disappeared into the ship. He stepped back, giving her enough clearance to take the HWK-290 up and out.

 

Rex watched from the viewing platform as the ship rose into the night and stayed until after he had lost sight of it among the stars. Watched until there was no way she was still even in the system, taking some comfort in the fact that somewhere in the galaxy she would find what she needed, would find her answers, and that if he did his job, that she might have a home to come back to.

 

One day.

 

And if any of the gods or goddesses of all the worlds out there were listening, he hoped it would be one day soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ret'urcye mhi= goodbye, literally “maybe we will meet again”  
> Kar’taylir = know, hold in the heart  
> Vercopa = hope
> 
> So I’m making up that Kar’taylir vercopa means “hold hope in your heart.” Or something like that. Feel free to provide a correction on that!
> 
> Hey, they love each other (hopefully its clear that its in a platonic sense right now for reasons of she’s sixteen and he’s just watched her grow up!), but they aren’t soppy people. This is as close as they get, I imagine.
> 
> Epilogue next and last, Ahsoka’s final thoughts, because I can’t let this go just yet.


	9. Epilogue: The Wisdom it be so

Ahsoka took the ship out of the system and… stopped. The HWK-290, a fine ship and more than she thought she would need, hung suspended in space. As she looked out at the stars, she finally, finally let the past few days catch up with her. She had been holding off so much for so long that she felt near to overflowing with it. Part of her wanted to cry and rage and scream where no one could hear her, but another part of her, the Jedi part, shied away from the intensity of her emotions.

 

“There has to be a better way than this,” she said to herself, and in a moment of clarity she foresaw talking to herself was going to become normal pretty soon.

 

“Great, so I’ll add ‘crazy’ to the list of things I am,” she remarked, and then shook her head. “Come on, Ahsoka, think. What do you need to find? What do you need to understand?”

 

Well, she needed to find new kyber crystals and make new lightsabers, but there was no way she could go to Ilum to get her crystals. Not only was she technically denied the planet now, but it would feel wrong to go backwards like that, back to her childhood where things had been, if not safe, then at least familiar.

 

“Forward, then, but what way is forward?” she asked herself. Shaking her head, she hit the sublight drives and got the ship moving at least. Sitting on the floor of the bridge, she crossed her legs and took a deep breath, trying to meditate, to let the Force suffuse her. She had never been very good at it, always one to find peace in fighting practice rather than breathing exercises, but there was no one to practice with now.

 

“Meditation it is,” she muttered, and felt herself drop down into the flow of the universe around her. She almost shot right back out again when she felt Anakin’s presence, reaching, searching, wanting her to come home. He was lit up like a beacon in the Force, calling for her through the training bond they had formed. Slowly, carefully so that he wouldn’t notice, she didn’t break the bond but she muted it, rolling it thin like a piece of clay, until she could barely feel him.

 

Another breath.

 

She tried again, tried to find direction, even though Master Yoda had said that the darkside clouded everything now. So much death and chaos meant that Force was stirred up like an ocean in a storm, making it hard to find anything. It almost felt like she was drowning. She switched tactics. _Rex’s Hints for Surviving: if its not working, stop it and try something new._

Though this wasn’t about survival, exactly, the advice helped, and she sent a mental thank you to Rex once again. He had taught her so much, and been one of the best friends she had ever had in her short life. Thinking of him, of his steady nature, his solid form, and sharp insight, she felt something in her mind shift. She pictured herself in that ocean, finding a point, a single point of calm from which she might be able to hold steady, to let it flow around her and guide her, rather than grasping for answers.

 

Just as she found a way to balance on the writhing energy that was the Force, on the edge of hearing, she heard a whisper, just a whisper, felt… something, like a ghost, flicker on the edge of perception.

 

Her first instinct, her hunter’s instinct, was to chase it, but something in her told her to wait, to be patient. So she did, and the sound, the feeling, it came back. Something, or someone, had noticed her simply standing still in the Force, not looking for anything save a place to _be_ , and it was trying to reach her. It was coming from a far off distance, past Ilum, maybe to the very edge of the Galaxy.

 

It didn’t _say_ anything. But she could sense that it wanted her to go somewhere, wherever it was, probably. She frowned. It could be a trap, some kind of Sith plot to lure a lone former Jedi, but she didn’t think so. The presence wasn’t cruel or angry or hateful, it was… curious. Curious about her.

 

She opened her eyes.

 

“Well,” she said. “I don’t have any better ideas.” She punched in some coordinates, taking her a fair distance towards Ilum where she would try to meditate again and get a better fix on where she was going. She could do that, jump into hyperspace, triangulate with the Force, and be off again. Of course, the closer she got, the smaller the jumps would have to be, but it would work for now.

 

As she entered the last coordinates, her hand hovered over the button that would begin the calculations and start warming up the hyperdrive. When she hit that, she would be leaving for real, leaving all of them. Her troopers, Padmé, Master Koon, Master Kenobi, Rex, Skyguy. She would miss them all, all of them so much, because she loved them, because they had become a part of her life and a part of her heart.

 

But they would never be gone from her heart, she knew. They would be with her, always, no matter where she was.

 

Head held high, looking out at the stars, almost defying them to stop her, she punched the hyperdrive. The ship jumped into that strange alternate dimension and screamed along. She was going forward into the unknown, like the old explorers. She would find her answers, she would find some kind of truth, and perhaps, somewhere along the way, she would find out what it meant to be Ahsoka Tano on her own terms, not someone else’s.

 

And maybe, just maybe, one day she would come back, like Padmé had asked her to do. She would come back not to show them how she had grown, but because she would finally be sure of herself, and sure about what she wanted and what she could do. And because of all the things she never did say, the _I love you_ that had stuck in her chest when she tried to say it that day (to Skyguy, to Rex), unable to break free of habits and lesson ingrained in childhood, where the truest feelings were ones she dare not express.

 

She had left battered and defeated and unsure. She wanted to return confident in herself and her future, whatever that might be, and reunite with the people she loved most in all the galaxy.

 

“That,” she said, watching the universe outside the ship shift and warp, “would be more than enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that’s the end of this one! I’m planning an AU that picks up after this, and we find out where Ahsoka went, what Rex got up to while she was gone and… we’ll see where things go! Lots of inspiration out there, but I’m going to try to have my own twist on things.
> 
> Also, all the titles in this fic come from a poem by Emily Dickinson (one of my favorite poets), which I think really fits Ahsoka and Rex. It’s about the impossibility (and that we shouldn’t even try) to explain or justify love. It simply is. Those two simply love each other (platonically or romantically, whatever), and it operates in the background of their interactions with each other, making the understated quality of Dickinson extra fitting.
> 
> Honestly, been re-reading a lot of Dickinson since watching Clone Wars, and there’s some good resonance there. Anyway, the poem in full:
> 
> “Why do I love” You, Sir?  
> Because—  
> The Wind does not require the Grass  
> To answer—Wherefore when He pass  
> She cannot keep Her place.
> 
> Because He knows—and  
> Do not You—  
> And We know not—  
> Enough for Us  
> The Wisdom it be so—
> 
> The Lightning—never asked an Eye  
> Wherefore it shut—when He was by—  
> Because He knows it cannot speak—  
> And reasons not contained—  
> —Of Talk—  
> There be—preferred by Daintier Folk—
> 
> The Sunrise—Sire—compelleth Me—  
> Because He’s Sunrise—and I see—  
> Therefore—Then—  
> I love Thee—


End file.
